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Back in the nineties I worked at the legendary Oxford Books in Atlanta. People didn't take the job for the money; as far as I can tell they took it for the brilliant conversations available from nearly everyone in the store. It was certainly why I valued the job.
One of the many conversations I got to have was with the fellow in charge of newspapers and periodicals, a bodybuilder who wore those adorable round brass-framed glasses and talked like he had enjoyed his education. He was very smart, and loved debate, so our conversations were often lively, contentious and enjoyable. On some occasion the subject of homosexual relationships came up, and my friend commented, in a very egalitarian way, that he had no problem with people doing that at all, "I just don't want to hear about it."
I came up a little short on that. "What, people can have relationships like that, as long as they keep it secret?"
"I'm not saying they have to keep it secret." he said, "I just don't want them talking about it here. I don't want to hear about that at work."
I thought about this for awhile. "OK, I want you to try an experiment. For a week, come in to work, do everything normally, nothing different - but don't talk about your wife. Like, don't even mention you have one. When you think of mentioning her, say to yourself, 'people don't want to hear about that, it's disgusting'. He looked at me like I was making no sense at first. He had a great relationship with his wife, and mentioned her often. "When you spend a week willingly marginalizing the most important relationship in your life," I said, " let's talk again."
It amazes me still how incredibly easy that was-- not because I was smarter than him - he usually got the better of me in debates - but because of his blindness; how completely the label of homosexuality removed from his mind the idea that gay relationships were potentially as intimate, important and lasting as the one he had at home. It also startled me how powerful it was. My friend had not a word to counter with, and for the day our game was over. I don't know if he tried my idea, but maybe he thought about it.
It really isn't every day you get a chance to change someone's mind. I'm just glad I was talking to someone who was open to it.
I don't know if anyone would be willing to try this little experiment, but if they were - then they might understand a little bit of what it's like to not be able to admit to the biggest, most wonderful thing in your life - forever. When they got to the end of that week they might feel just a tiny, tiny bit the way many of my friends felt when they woke up and discovered that they could be legally married. How this little thing, the act of some politicians shuffling around some papers and passing this thing that changed nothing for anybody else, somehow also changed everything.
Let me amend that: that law did change something for the rest of us: it made us a better nation. Yes, in these latter days of 'corporate people' and executive power-grabbing, there is some little change that we made that let some people - friends, neighbors, co-workers, and always, always, more people than we think - be happy. A law just made a bunch of people happy. Just like that.
Wow.
One of the many conversations I got to have was with the fellow in charge of newspapers and periodicals, a bodybuilder who wore those adorable round brass-framed glasses and talked like he had enjoyed his education. He was very smart, and loved debate, so our conversations were often lively, contentious and enjoyable. On some occasion the subject of homosexual relationships came up, and my friend commented, in a very egalitarian way, that he had no problem with people doing that at all, "I just don't want to hear about it."
I came up a little short on that. "What, people can have relationships like that, as long as they keep it secret?"
"I'm not saying they have to keep it secret." he said, "I just don't want them talking about it here. I don't want to hear about that at work."
I thought about this for awhile. "OK, I want you to try an experiment. For a week, come in to work, do everything normally, nothing different - but don't talk about your wife. Like, don't even mention you have one. When you think of mentioning her, say to yourself, 'people don't want to hear about that, it's disgusting'. He looked at me like I was making no sense at first. He had a great relationship with his wife, and mentioned her often. "When you spend a week willingly marginalizing the most important relationship in your life," I said, " let's talk again."
It amazes me still how incredibly easy that was-- not because I was smarter than him - he usually got the better of me in debates - but because of his blindness; how completely the label of homosexuality removed from his mind the idea that gay relationships were potentially as intimate, important and lasting as the one he had at home. It also startled me how powerful it was. My friend had not a word to counter with, and for the day our game was over. I don't know if he tried my idea, but maybe he thought about it.
It really isn't every day you get a chance to change someone's mind. I'm just glad I was talking to someone who was open to it.
I don't know if anyone would be willing to try this little experiment, but if they were - then they might understand a little bit of what it's like to not be able to admit to the biggest, most wonderful thing in your life - forever. When they got to the end of that week they might feel just a tiny, tiny bit the way many of my friends felt when they woke up and discovered that they could be legally married. How this little thing, the act of some politicians shuffling around some papers and passing this thing that changed nothing for anybody else, somehow also changed everything.
Let me amend that: that law did change something for the rest of us: it made us a better nation. Yes, in these latter days of 'corporate people' and executive power-grabbing, there is some little change that we made that let some people - friends, neighbors, co-workers, and always, always, more people than we think - be happy. A law just made a bunch of people happy. Just like that.
Wow.
